My Chrono Movie Review covers a movie from my distant past, a movie from my "so recent past that it might as well be the present," and a movie from my future. This inaugural installment features Out of Sight, The Incredibles, and The Ring 2. Here we go...

The Past: Out of Sight
This is a movie where J.Lo is a detective looking for G.Clo who's some kind of crimin.Lo. The plot centers around a smooth-talking, brilliant scofflaw who does something to get himself in trouble and chased by the pouty Detective J.Lo. I don't really remember what it was that he did, but I can rest easy at night knowing that it was probably smooth and probably briliant. Like what an Ocean's 10 movie would be like, but 9 characters short.

J.Lo was always one step behind of G.Clo. Of course, she's going to fall for the smooth and brilliant crimin.Lo, but not until after some gunfights and explosions and maybe a scene or two of J.Lo saying "Oh my God" in that J.Lo "Oh my God" voice. You know the one.

It obviously wasn't that great of a movie, or I would have seen it again and remembered more details. But I do remember one very crucial detail: J.Lo introduced the famba to Hollywood in this film. If you've seen Out of Sight and you have a pulse, you remember the scene where J.Lo's wearing a Dolphins jersey and shorty-short shorts. That stuff under and sticking out of the shorts was the first appearance of the famba (pronounced fahm BA!). Hollywood would never be the same.

The Present: The Incredibles
I'm a comic-book geek and a big fan of Pixar films, so I already knew I'd like this movie. It seems everyone liked this movie. Just look at those DVD sales. But you've probably already seen this film, so I'll skip the synopsis -- which is a shame because I remember it with more detail than Out of Sight.

Mrs. Jennifer Lopez Noa Judd Hoo-fleck Anthony Kapowski (hadn't you heard?) sure has influenced Hollywood, even the animated sectors. Case in point: Elastigirl. That woman was rockin' the texture-mapped famba like nobody's business. I expected J.Lo to be the voice for Elastigirl but it was instead Wonderbread-Woman Holly Hunter. All of the sudden, the famba was the fam-ba (this pronounciation loosely rhymes with Santa). The fam-ba is like the regular famba, except it lacks rhythm, might not be attractive, and couldn't look tan even if it was painted on. The famba, by comparison, always has rhythm, always looks good, and is always a perfect bronze.

Also, if Elastigirl is indeed elastic, couldn't she have displaced her corn-starch fam-ba up top for the bombshell look? Or evenly distributed it? Or used it to be taller? I mean, do something with that thing, Elastigirl -- you're fighting crime, not working the streets. Or did you purposely give yourself the fam-ba hoping to make it a famba? If so, you failed. Sorry, but Edwina "Ed" McDonnough from Raising Arizona cannot rock the authentic famba. It's just not genetically possible.

The Future: The Ring 2
I haven't seen this movie, although I might some day, so I can still review it. Here's my take on it: You'll crap your pants because it's so scary.

The first The Ring can only be described as "crap your pants scary." This is The Ring 2 we're talking about. By the laws of mathematics, it's either twice as scary or half as scary. If we're multiplying, then we're talking "crap your pants and then do it again scary." If it's division, then it's simply "pee your pants scary." We'll just average it out to "crap your pants scary" again.

Whatever your arithmetic-preference is, you're going to need the following if you're brave enough to see The Ring 2.

1. Basic plot breakdown: pissed-off dead girl in a robe stutter-steps her way around the world, killing people who watch her tape. She also walks out of TVs.
2. Some Depends or Luvs, depending on your age and and/or presence of a famba/fam-ba. There, that's my only tie-in to my two previous reviews.
3. Two priests: a young one, and an old one.
4. A defibulator.

The above can be discarded if you're seeing the movie under two conditions:

1. Someone in the theater is too scared of being scared and makes jokes throughout the whole movie. You might as well get your money back and try another time. Or exchange their tickets for entry to The Princess Diaries 2, a sequel better-suited to their tastes.
2. You just had dinner with Robert Blake. Now, walk into the light...

For the record, I am too scared of The Ring 2 to see it, but I won't ruin the experience for you sadistic weirdos. If by some miracle my wife drags me to see it, I'll sit there in my diaper between Friar Tuck and Father Time and whimper softly... or perhaps distract myself by thinking of the next installment of Chrono Movie Review! I know you can't wait.

L to R: famba, fam-ba, crap your pants

Today is "Excessively Long Blog Post" Day. I'm certainly in compliance.