Tonight's the night, folks! Tune in to CBS at 11:35pm (10:35pm in the strange zones) to watch "Late Show with David Letterman," guest starring ME! Okay, not really "guest starring" so much as just "being in the background," but I'm there while Tom Cruise isn't. Infer what you will from that.

Come to think of it, where is Tom Cruise? Probably off somewhere listening to the continual cracking of his fragile psyche while Katie Holmes watches in terror from the chair Tom has tied her to. It's not a pretty picture, but it's probably not terribly inaccurate, either.

Elsewhere in the news, the runaway bride is now the rich runaway bride. Rumor has it she got a half-mil for her Couric interview and a half-mil for selling the rights to her "adventure" to a media company. Meanwhile, the police recovered about one third of the expense they spent playing Hide 'N Seek with her. And the folks in her hometown who volunteered their time searching for clues got a big F and a big U. They don't even get the rest of the letters. How generous of the bug-eyed psycho.

Here's a joke: What do you get when you cross a goat and a sheep? GEEP!

No, that wasn't incredibly laughable. But that's because I gave Letterman my best material.

Tom Cruise's favorite chair,
which Katie Holmes is tied to.

Today is "4WD" Day! If you have four white doves, set them free at midnight!