My Extended Oscar Categories and Their Winners

February 3rd, 2006 | cathartic nonsense

You won't see these categories or awards on Oscar night because, like the geeky and other uninteresting categories, these awards were presented at an earlier date (this morning) at an alternate location (my living room) presided over by an alternate host (me). Refreshments were served, but since there was only one attendee (my cat), those refreshments were restricted to kibble and saucers of milk.

And now, without further ado or another dance number which caused a passing jogger to literally fall over in laughter and then hobble away (good!), I present the awards for...

KINDEST DISPLAY OF MERCY BY FINALLY ENDING A DISASTEROUS TRILOGY
Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith

BEST EXAMPLE OF SHEER GENIUS DISGUISED AS NINCOMPOOPERY
Steve Carell - The 40 Year Old Virgin

LONGEST TITLE
The Chronicle of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, Where "Wardrobe" Means a Free-Standing Clothes Closet Instead of a Collection of Garments to be Worn By One or More People

BEST 3-D MOTION PICTURE OF THE YEAR

CREEPIEST, WHETHER INTENTIONAL OR NOT, PERFORMANCE
Johnny Depp - Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

OSCAR-NOMINATED MOVIE THAT I WATCHED LAST NIGHT
Corpse Bride

BEST SERVICE TO HUMANITY BY ERASING JOEL SCHUMACHER'S TAINTING OF BATMAN'S LEGACY
Batman Begins

BEST UNDERAPPRECIATED AND UNDERPRODUCED CONCEPT FOR A TOTALLY ROCKIN' SCREENPLAY
The Cookware Hero