Would you like your own custom diseased mouse? Well, then you're in luck, because they are finally available!

First, I need to mention that I'm not talking about a computer mouse with a bunch of dirty needles attached to the buttons. As fun as that sounds, that product has been on the market for three years and is used exclusively for treating those with a computer addiction or for those who visit S&M websites. Sure, I happen to own one of these mice, but I won't reveal for which of those two reasons.

Back to the topic at hand, the diseased mice in question now being sold are the real live kind. Rodents, if you will. Apparently, the healthy mouse market has teetered off so business-folk have turned to the next logical area, which is, of course, diseased rodents. Peruse, at your leisure, the following from CNN.com:

Mighty mice for sale -- mighty expensive at least

A mouse with arthritis runs close to $200; two pairs of epileptic mice can cost 10 times that. You want three blind mice? That'll run you about $250. And for your own custom mouse, with the genetic modification of your choosing, expect to pay as much as $100,000.

At first you may think, "$100,000 for a custom mouse! That's crazy!" Crazy like a diseased mouse! But I think there are some mouse modifications that could be worth that much. Hell, I'd pay twice the price for some of these.

• Invisibility -- But I'd need a way of knowing that I wasn't just sent an empty box.
• Tourette's Syndrome -- $100k for a mouse with a mouth like a sailor? Okay!
• Functional Gills -- That would really freak my fish out!
• Tap Dancing Skills -- Four legs all tap-tap-tapping furiously. Shweet!
• Alcohol Immunity -- It could be my designated driver. Oh wait, first...
• The Ability to Drive -- Okay, now it could be my designated driver.

By the way, you can really see economies of scale in practice if you would like a bigger rodent with all of the above non-custom mentioned maladies and more. For the price of a plane ticket to New York City, you can find one of these whiskered gold mines in NYCs own "mines", the subway system. If you see something slightly larger than a cat scurrying by, grab it! There's a 98% chance it's your dream diseased product.

As for NYC residents, you folks really are sitting on a fantastic business opportunity. You just pay the subway fare once, load up on whiskered gold mines and sell them on the internet for $50 less than the plane ticket. You'll clean up! eBay anyone? As of this writing, no auction listings exist for "diseased rodent" nor "whiskered gold mine". Now's your chance!

Gene Simmons's custom dog-mouse.

Today is "St. Eatlotsofmeat" Day, but only if tomorrow is "St. Mandatoryfishfry" Day for you.