Then, last Thursday, there was an episode of "30 Rock" with three "Night Court" alumni as guest stars. Pleasant surprise indeed! Sure, Jennifer Aniston was also on that episode, but that's where NBC went wrong. Rather than advertise Aniston's guest spot, they should have been touting Harry T. Stone's return to TV. Lost opportunity, NBC. None the less, see the full episode here: The One with the Cast from Night Court

(They even reference the "Night Court" cast in the episode title, albeit naming the episode in the "Friends" style of "The One...")

What's next, NBC? A box of chocolates? A recurring role on "Heroes" where my superpower is being irresistable to special guest stars Scarlett Johansson and Jennifer Love Hewitt?

It's the least you can do after breaking my heart by cancelling "Journeyman."

And after the show, I got to meet JoCo and get his autograph, plus we took a picture together. Then I told him that he's a genius and I went home happy.

Download JoCo's free stuff. Buy his non-free stuff. Listen. Laugh. Enjoy!

So here are the lyrics to the first verse and chorus of the first track from my first album for babies. That, or an isolated song parody I wrote this morning. Either way, I'm still open to record deals, so contact me or my agent (i.e., me) with your best offer.

Babies of Summer
(to the tune of Don Henley's "Boys of Summer")

Out for a stroll today,
I saw an Elmo sticker on my diaper bag.
Then a voice inside my head said,
"Where's my cat? Where's my fluffy stuffed cat?"
There it is,
On the floor,
Just under my seat.
How did it get there, Mommy?
And it is time to eat?

I can't see you!
We play a game a Peek-a-Boo.
I cover up my eyes,
And there's a chance that I just pooed.
I can tell you
My diaper days are almost done.
I'll start using the potty
Before summer's gone.

Sunday was interesting. We had a false-alarm emergency so instead of Sunday breakfast, we had Sunday hospital visit. The Host and The Heir are both fine, and the morning took quite an upswing when we heard The Heir's heartbeat for the first time. 164 BPM! Awesome!

Monday was my first day in a new office in a long time. When I became a work-at-home employee, I never really had a "first day in the home office." My first week working remotely took place in my dining room, in my bedroom, in my (old) office on a tray table, in my neighbor's bathroom, and finally on a partially-assembled office desk. By comparison, this past Monday I walked downstairs and into my new office, all ready to go. I dressed up (i.e., put on pants) and brought some snacks, but then I realized that my co-worker cats don't like doughnuts and bagels. Guess what I've been having for breakfast, lunch, and dinner all week? If you guessed "increasingly stale doughnuts and bagels," you're right!

Tuesday I saved the world. You're welcome.

Yesterday I went to see Baby Mama. I've heard that when you're expecting a baby, pregnancy comedies are even funnier for both expecting parents. Don't believe the hype. I think the only people that actually believe that are those that have (or strive for) a "typical" pregnancy. And by "typical" I mean a pregnancy written by Woody Allen, Judd Apatow, or some other sans-uterus guy. Maybe I'm just spoiled because The Host isn't a mood swinging, chocolate-covered onion craving, insanely demanding pregnant woman like in the movies. But is anyone actually like that, or do those movies give pregos license to act that way? Baby Mama was indeed funny, but The Host doesn't act at all like the pregnant character in the movie. Well, except for that whole peeing in the sink thing. Never the less, there wasn't any part in the movie where I thought "Ah, now I understand what's happening there because we're expecting. All this time I had no idea why those ladies' bellies were getting bigger before the baby character was introduced." I give Baby Mama 4.57/5 stars. If my wife wasn't pregnant, I'd give Baby Mama 4.57/5 stars. Go see it, whether or not you're growing a human being.

So that leads us to today, May 1, also called the First of May. If you don't mind F-bombs, and enjoy songs about outdoor activities usually reserved for indoors, check out Jonathan Coulton's brilliant song "First of May" (free download). I highly recommend you check out his other songs, a lot of which are also free downloads (after which you'll be hooked and will want to buy all of his songs, like I did). Obviously I'm a big fan, so when I found out earlier this week that Coulton will be having a concert in Pittsburgh, I jumped on tickets faster than a mood-swinging pregnant lady on a chocolate-covered onion.

I warned you that I'd be busy with school for a few weeks, but I didn't warn you that I'd catch the flu. That's probably because I didn't know I would catch the flu because if I did know that I would have tried to avoid it and therefore wouldn't have had to warn you in the first place. Great Scott! This is as perplexing as building my own flux capacitor.

So while I was in the backyard belonging to the house across the street from Death's Door, I had what some might call a fever-dream. I didn't have much of a fever, but it was crazy like a fever dream and Paddy O'Wife said that she can either deal with me being crazy or being sick, but not both. Hence, I have to call it a fever dream. And what I was doing in this fever dream? Rappin'!

Worry not, young one, I will not be creating my own rap. That was a debacle the last time and I refuse to even provide a link to that catastrophe. Well, maybe "refuse" is too harsh a word. Never the less, I will not be writing an original rap... I will parody one. I have to, it was destined in my fever dream.

Do I know which one I will parody? Damn skippy! The fever dream's background music was "In Da Club" by 50 Cent. As an aside, I think every 50 Cent song that you can buy online should be just $0.50. What's the deal with iTunes charging almost twice as much as the artist's name to download his song!? That's not right, and frankly it's misleading to the consumer. I'm not trying to be crazy and say a whole 50 Cent album should go for 50¢, but per song is fair. If the album "drops" with 20 songs, then sell it for $10. Just eight songs, and remixes at that? $2 (50 Cent didn't have to write the lyrics again, so that's half the work and half the price).

This is not only a value for consumers, but also for the artist because of the increased availability (thanks to the more financially-accessible price) that helps spread 50 Cent's brand image. -- Can you tell I've been doing lots of MBA coursework? Anyway... -- It's win-win, and new artists could have similar variations on a theme. I can almost hear the high-value, chart-topping sounds of Penny, Nickel, Dime, and Quarter, also known as Off the Change. "Hey, that CD is great! It's off the chain!" "No, it's Off the Change!"

Word.

Anyway, I'll be parody-rapping for you soon enough. I can't divulge what the topic of my version of "In Da Club" will be, but I can tell you my rapper name. I shall be... "Hex Digit".

...

Oh, c'mon, can't you see how perfect that is? Alright, here's the explanation -- but be warned, there's quite a bit of "geek" involved.

A byte is eight bits and is represented in hexidecimal notation as two "hex digits" (such as "1F" or "C3"). A single hex digit is a half byte. Now, recall the tune/cheer/saying "two bits, four bits, six bits, a dollar!" It means that two bits is 25¢ and eight bits is $1. And that means that four bits, a half byte that can represented by a hex digit in nerd terms, is 50 cents!!

Nerdy 50 Cent Hex Digit... OUT!

I have big shoes to fill.

Today is "Senamenakay" Day! Try saying it, it's fun! Senamenakay!

Okay, that wasn't so much a hint as the answer, but I'm trying to give you a break, so give me a break. The point is this: today is the "Twelfth Day of Christmas," which is the one where you're supposed to get twelve drummers drumming (according to the carol).

I don't know what I'd do with one drummer, much less twelve. I guess it depends on how long I have them for. Is this an hour-long thing, like "let's put on a concert in the living room?" That will scare the crap out of the neighbors, which would be somewhat amusing. Or do I have the drummers for the whole day? If so, they can stop drumming and start painting the house!

Then again, this is a present given to me by my true love, so maybe I'm supposed to keep the drummers -- in which case I'm not sure as to the legality of keeping people as pets. The law frowns upon such an arrangement, which it defines as "slavery." Unless the people-pets are under 18 years of age, in which case it's considered "parenting." Either way, I want no part of it just quite yet.

Has anyone investigated whether these drummers are famous musicians or just your run-of-the-mill drummer boys (pah rum pum pum pum)? Because if they were famous musicians, I definitely wouldn't want to take the chance of housing them. I'd have to spray for fleas and ticks if I had Tommy Lee as a boarder. And Lars Ulrich would need his very own nursery or else he'd start whining and crying even more than he currently does. It's just not worth the hassle.

So if my true o'love is reading this (and she should be), then please do not get me twelve drummers drumming. Instead, I would like a new surround sound system with which I could play music that will make me feel like I'm in the presence of twelve drummers drumming. See that? I'm not unreasonable. I'm willing to compromise.

Happy Three Kings Day, everybody!

Okay, maybe this drummer would be okay.

Today is "Three Kings" Day! Confused? I told you about it twelve days ago.

It occurred to me that if Zeppelin and Cent can do it, I could, too. I may not have the guitar skills or sampling skills or bo staff skills to get a record deal, but I spoke to the owner of this blog (me) and he (me) let me (me) publish it. Enjoy!

Let It O'Snow

Oh, the weather at home is frightful,
But Miami is so delightful,
And since the o'wife's up north,
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

Does it show any signs of stopping?
Who cares, the sun is shining!
And the o'heat is set down low,
To keep the gas heating bill oh so low.

Did somebody turn out the light?
That's funny, there isn't a storm.
This stanza's not going quite right.
I'll just end this line with "warm."

In a few weeks I will be flying,
And to the tropics I'll be good-bye-ing,
Back to a climate that's inhumanly low;
Come on snow, please just go, you damn ho!

Please... send... help!

Today is "Rabbits on Chairs" Day! I know what you're thinking, and no, beanbag chairs don't count.

(Nate Dogg)
Sixteen in the clip and one in the hole
Nate Dogg is about to make some bodies turn cold
Now they droppin' and yellin'
It's a tad bit late
Nate Dogg and Warren G had to regulate

You know how we should be combating terrorism? We should be sending the Regulators after them.

Maybe just Nate Dogg. Apparently Warren G is just a big target.

Either the world's dumbest eagle or
the world's most deformed ostrich.

Today is "National Junk Food" Day! 'Cause that's exactly what America needs!

1. A road sign reading "Warning, Danger Ahead! Love, Your Sibs"
2. A sledgehammer.
3. Tara Reid.
4. A song performed by someone (anyone) else.
5. A rotweiller.
6. A bullhorn.
7. Cinematic theme music at the appropriate tempos.
8. Tear gas.
9. An annoying email forward.
10. Custom T-shirts.
11. A four-minute segment on Live with Regis and Kelly.
12. $143,098.45 in cold hard cash.

"It's better than a regular hammer!"

Today is "Monopoly Day!" Jump directly to Tuesday next week. Do not pass GO.

Oh look at the litlte reader. Hello, little reader! Aren't you just a cutie? Wanna hear a story-wory? Okay, let me tell you a story-wory.

Once upon a long, long time ago, there was a little boy who loved to sing and jump and dance and dance and dance. He loved to dance so much, he even danced backwards. That's right, my little reader-kins. He danced backwards! Isn't that just so silly? Yes, it is. Yes, it is. Peek-a-boo! A-peek-a-boo!

So lots of people liked the little boy's dancing and singing games, and they gave him lots of money so he could buy lots of toys. And years passed and this little boy had many birthdays and many parties. So much fun! Party, party, party! Yay! And when this little boy was a big boy, he bought even bigger and better toys. All the toys a little boy could ever want. But he was a big boy now, but he didn't caresie-waresie. No, he didn't. He even bought toys that were alive. Like G is for giraffe. And E is for elephant. And C is for cryogenic sleep chamber. Doesn't that sound fun? All those toys, all those aminal pals. The little big boy even made his own carnival with his own rides and he invited his little friends to come over and play with all his toys and carnival rides and aminal pals. More fun! Yay!

But then one day the little big boy got in trouble because grown-ups said he was playing bad games with his friends. Not that Mortal Kombat video game. But really bad games. Bad! No! Caca games! But the little big boy had so much money, he told the grown-ups "$hhh!" and they did. They "$hhh"ed. Isn't that a silly sound? $hhh! $hhh! Hahahahaha!

A few years later, more grown-ups said the same things the other grown-ups had said. But this time the little big boy couldn't make those grumpy grown-ups $hhh! This time, the grown-ups had the mister-judgie-wudgie think if the little big boy had done something bad. Something no! Something caca! The mister-judgie-wudgie and his twelve pals have not yet made up their brains. But they will someday soon. And they might say that the little big boy was a good little big boy instead of a bad little big boy. For now, that's the end of the story-wory.

And you know what the lesson is? The lesson of the story-wory, my little cutie reader, is this: If the mister-judgie-wudgie and his twelve pals say that the little big boy was a good little big boy, and the little big boy invites you to his playground to play and have a slumber party

STAY THE HELL AWAY!

The Little Big Boy
DON'T GO NEAR THIS BAD MAN, KIDS!

Michael Jackson Jackson Jackson Trial

Today is "Be Kind To The Irish, They're Hungover" Day. So don't make too many loud noises.