And just because I'm remote doesn't mean that I don't have co-workers. These are the folks I interact with, also known as the cast of characters:

• Pancho Villa, New Employee Transition Representative: Shows newbies the ropes. And the snack area. And the litter box, because he's a cat.
• Leviathan Placo, Marketing and HR P.I.M.P.: His management style is sleek and smooth. So are his scales, because he's a freshwater fish.
• L. B., New Hire: The newbie in question. Details below.
• OZ, Code Monkey: Had that title before Coulton's musical masterpiece. This is me. I dig Jonathan Coulton. I'm also a human being.

Apparently the economy had a small positive hiccup because My Corner Office hired a new employee! The higher-ups felt that it was time to start some new projects but all current workers are tied up with existing work. And since our company abides by federal law, and because 100% of the air breathing population is Latino, we hired a local Pittsburgher. Enter...

Loki Batman

I'm not too certain what Loki's job title actually is yet. So far he's just learning the ropes and going through orientation. Although, the first week wasn't so much orientation as much as it was that no one realized he required full orientation. Pancho, our New Employee Transition Rep., is used to summarizing orientation as, "Don't breathe air and keep swimming." It seems that Pancho gave Loki this advice and then Pancho went back to his office. Loki was confused by the second part of Pancho's advice, but he tried to follow the first part and eventually passed out and resumed breathing on his own.

Our hiring standards are evidently not very stringent.

One week later, Loki asked me what he should be doing. I asked our resident HR P.I.M.P., Leviathan, who then promptly called Pancho into his office and got so mad that there was even some splashing involved. Given Leviathan's usual level of restraint, that must have been a bad argument. Pancho then got to work on a full orientation.

"Here's the snack area. Crunchy food magically appears at various times throughout the day. Moist food shows up once a day, around quitting time. And this is the observation portal. From here you can see the Land of Outside, but it's against company policy to visit it unsupervised. This is the restroom. Some of our less civilized employees use this instead of the restbox. Oh, and this is the restbox. I trust you know how to use that. What!? (sigh) Follow me."

The next couple of weeks proceed rather smoothly until Pancho took some sick time. Leviathan, not knowing what else to do with the new guy, had me start training Loki in the basic principles of object-oriented programming. That lasted only a day when I realized that he wasn't quietly looking over my shoulder but rather snoozing under my desk! Lazy new hires!

That was about a month ago. Pancho has since returned and all is well. Orientation seems to be over but I'm still uncertain what Loki's actual job function is. He does occasionally set up shop in my office but I only see him napping or attempting to eat things that shouldn't be eaten. I guess he's not getting paid well.

Wake up, newbie!!

He got that ambition, baby, look in his eyes / Give Kanye that award or else he pouts and he cries.

And just because I'm remote doesn't mean that I don't have co-workers. These are the folks I interact with, also known as the cast of characters:

• Pancho Villa, Corporate Climate Liaison: The company has tasked him with lifting the spirits of those around him. It's a cushy job, which is good because he's a cat and requires 20 hours of sleep a day.
• Leviathan Placo, Boss Man: He's not really the boss, but he does have some managerial responsibilities. He's also not really a man, but he is a large freshwater fish.
• Mojo Gund, PR Rep: He claims that "PR" stands for Public Relations. I know the truth. It's actually for "PRimate," because he's a stuffed monkey.
• That-Blonde-In-Accounting, not sure: I don't know her name or what her title is, but she just had quadruplets. I know that much because I kicked in for a gift. The office bought her fry formula because she's a yellow fish.
• OZ, Compu-Dork: Sits in front of a computer all day and enjoys it. This is me. I'm a dork, and I'm also a human being.

The holiday season is nigh, and most folks are taking off most or all of next week to enjoy a few days at home. In preparation for this lull in productivity, offices across Corporate America have been having their holiday parties all week. Well, I didn't want to miss out on a party, so those of us here in the local branch are having our own fiesta today. I'm going to blog the highlights as they happen.

10:00am: The festivities begin! I just put out my potluck dish, a steak omelette made from last night's leftovers. No one looks very impressed, but it's definitely better than Pancho's "Kibble Surprise" or Leviathan's box of Cheez-Its. I'm a shoe-in to win the trophy.

10:49am: Mojo got into the rum nog early. He's stumbling around a bit and trying to impress us with his acrobatics and two pairs of opposable thumbs. He's jumping and flipping and swinging from everything he can get his hands and feet on. It's rather interesting to watch, but he's had a couple of close calls already. But Pancho keeps egging him on. Well, I just excused myself because I don't want to see any monkey carnage.

11:21am: Crap. Most of the omelette is still there, but the box of Cheez-Its is almost empty. I'm getting worried.

11:31am: The results were just announced. Leviathan won, so now he'll have that old golf trophy in his office all of next year. I think it's the inimidation factor. No one respects the compu-dork. That's fine, I'll drown my sorrows in rum nog.

As a consolation, however, I noticed that no one but Pancho tasted his "Kibble Surprise." I think the surprise was that it wasn't meant for anyone but Pancho. Shrewd, Mr. Villa. Very shrewd indeed.

12:05pm: Wow! I just opened the supply closet to get a Sharpie (in case someone passes out) and there was That-Blonde-In-Accounting making out with one of the Corydoras brothers. I couldn't tell which one it was, but it was definitely not Mr. That-Blonde-In-Accounting. And she just came back from maternity leave! For shame, Corydoras brother. For shame indeed.

12:45pm-ish: HOly crap that nog is tsrong! YUM!

about 1:30pm: I've lost my watch. What itme is it? I know there's a clokc on this computer somewhere. Wait, you know what? I bet Pancho's playing a prank on me. That's fine, I'm going to prank him back.

3 minutes later: Damn, that "Kibble Surprise" tastes like absolute garbage! GAR-BAGE! Wow, that was a sobering experience, partly because it caused a nog-purge. --You think it's gross reading about it? Try doing it.

3:00pm or so: Well, the party's over. Mojo tried that triple Lindey from Back to School. "If Dangerfield can do it, so can I," he said. Then he went for it.

CRASH!

Leviathan's taking Mojo to the ER. He thinks Mojo might have broken his arm in the fall.

I'm going to stick around for a bit and clean up. Then I'm taking my leftover leftover-steak omelette and making something else out of it for dinner. I'll be enjoying thrice-cooked steak while Leviathan's nursing a drunken Mojo. Who's the real winner now?

Happy Holidays, from my office to yours.

Today is "Vacation" Day! Take a ride on the West Coast kick.

And just because I'm remote doesn't mean that I don't have co-workers. These are the folks I interact with, also known as the cast of characters:

• Pancho Villa, Registered Nurse Trainee: 60% trainee, 35% nurse, 5% registered. Oh, and 100% cat.
• Leviathan Placo, Administrator: What exactly does he administer? Pretty much anything a freshwater fish (like he is) can.
• Mojo Gund, Corporate Relations: Relentlessly optimistic, he makes the office brighter. He also happens to be a stuffed monkey.
• Platty Magma, R Partner: He used to be the HR Partner, but then the H was removed because Platty himself isn't an H. He's an FF (freshwater fish).
• OZ, Code Monkey: A programmer who wears slippers shaped like Homer Simpson's head to work everyday. This is me. Despite my title, and not intending any offense to Mojo, I am a human being.

In the interest of contributing to the local community, we had a blood drive today. We're not a large office, but as the slogan says, "Every little bit helps."

I was surprised when I walked into the donation area to find that Pancho Villa was the attending nurse. Apparently, Pancho is taking night classes in the nursing arts. Good for him! Y'see, part of his class requirements was to run a blood drive, so he sent out an email last week proposing this event. I just thought he was being philanthropic; I had no idea he would personally convert the "conference room" (aka, the guest room) into a blood center and handle the donations himself.

So there I was, ready to give blood, when Pancho came in bearing a small tube and a jar. "Where's the needle?" I asked.

"I have some right here," he said, flexing his fingers and revealing his claws.

Hell no.

At that point, Mojo walked in with the ever-present smile on his face and reminded me that this was a great local PR for the company. I didn't care. I've seen Pancho distracted by feathers and scrunchies, so my confidence in his blood-letting abilities was low. Mojo persisted, as did I. Then things turned ugly.

Mojo walked out of the room, happily skipping on his knuckles. He must have called in the big guns, because not one minute later, Leviathan and Platty came in. Leviathan started rattling off some regulations that Pancho had apparently followed and that technically qualified him to draw blood. I still wasn't biting. Besides, Pancho was now staring out the window at passing delivery trucks. You need a wee bit more focus that than, Dr. Villa!

Okay, Pancho never actually claimed to be a full-fledged doctor. Never the less, I was done with the whole affair. I started to walk back to my corner office when I heard someone clear his throat.

Platty, our resident R Partner, was shaking his head and holding a folded up pink slip of paper. "You signed up for this, and we've already pledged three units of your blood type to the blood bank. You're the only one who can provide it, and the only way I can tell the blood bank that we fell short is if the office suddenly didn't have an employee matching your blood type."

"Why does it have to be me?" I asked. "What's so special about my blood type?"

"It's human," Platty said, placing the slip in his coat pocket and walking out of the donation area. He closed the door behind him.

It's been eight hours since that ordeal, and I've finally regained the feeling in my left forearm after Pancho's botched punctures.

World's Friendliest Vampire

Today is "One Month Later" Day! I moved to Steeltown one month ago today.

And just because I'm remote doesn't mean that I don't have co-workers. These are the folks I interact with, also known as the cast of characters:

• Pancho Villa, Regional Canned Foods Advocate: The always well-groomed office prankster. He is also a cat.
• Leviathan Placo, Personnel Liaison: Soft-spoken and seldomly social, no one knows too much about him. One thing we do know: he is a large freshwater fish.
• Haim Corydoras, Lead Division Sales Associate: Athletic and charismatic, he's always on the move. He is a small catfish.
• Feldman Corydoras, Division Sales Associate: Recently lost a promotion to his brother because he refused to trim his mustache. He is also a small catfish.
• OZ, Code Monkey: A goofy programmer who works on fridge-sized computers. This is me. Despite my title, I am a human being.

We had a Halloween office party yesterday. Wow, was that a good time!

Pancho won the costume party. He brought an oversized acorn and dyed his hair red. Giant squirrel or Pancho Villa? After a few cups of my special punch, you couldn't tell.

Speaking of which, there was an ugly scene between the Corydoras brothers. Haim was telling Leviathan about the premium algae tablets he'd recently purchased when Feldman, obviously drunk, stumbled through the door and started shouting mild obscenities. Leviathan was spooked and quickly hid under his desk, as he is known to do when someone unexpectedly enters the room.

Feldman was still bitter about being passed up for the promotion and my special punch didn't help. At one point, Feldman even took a swing at Haim but missed and fell over, knocking over a can of mixed nuts. Pancho, staying true to costume, quickly grabbed up the spilled nuts and buried them in the potted plant I keep near a window.

The Corydoras brothers then went into a conference room and walked out fifteen minutes later the best of friends. The entire office seemed to breathe a sigh of relief as the tension melted away. The party continued at full strength and a good time was had by all.

Well, almost. Leviathan was still under his desk this morning when I came in.

WINNER!

Today is "Papo's Birthday!" Happy Birthday!!