For the uninitiated, "GI Joe" was about a group of American soldiers who had their own specific specialties that would be used in highly improbable situations to save the world. There was the sailor, the demolitions guy, and the one who could heal paper cuts. When the president of the world was delaying the signing of a "freedom for everyone" act, it was that paper cut guy who came to the rescue! Oh, and GI Joe's nemesis was a worldwide terrorist organization call Cobra whose commander was named... can you guess? Cobra Commander! They, like GI Joe, had their own planes, tanks, aircraft carriers, and laser beam shooting satellites. If today's "War on Terror" were fought against Cobra, I don't think we'd stand a chance, especially since the paper cut guy retired last year.

Moving on...

GI Joe: The Movie grossed me out a bit, but it was cool and also a growth experience. In the movie, it's revealed that Cobra is just a branch campus of a greater organization, Cobra-La. Cobra-La was actually a whole other world in some remote part of Earth where people used giant insect creatures as tools. It was like the Flintstones, except with much more slime and lots of segmented eyes. Plus, the people were part insect or part reptile or part both. Cobra-La's leader, Golobulus, was this muscular guy with a giant reptile-egg-thing where his legs should be. It's later revealed that he's actually half-snake, like the Little Mermaid but without the fin or the red hair, and that egg-thing was basically a dress. A disgusting membrane-dress. And Golobulus wanted everyone on Earth to appreciate his gut-wrenching fashion sense, so he commissioned satellites to activate spores that would turn all humans into half-snakes. It's like Golobulus's cousin said, "It's not easy being green."

So why was this movie a growth experience for me? Well, Cobra Commander, no longer the top dog snake in the eyes of GI Joe, gives Golobulus some sass so Golobulus punishes Cobra Commander by testing the spores on him. At first the spores do very little, but eventually Cobra Commander goes blind and starts losing his humanity as he becomes a full-fledged giant snake. As his last act of humanity, Giant Snake Cobra Commander saves a GI Joe to show that though he was physically de-evolving, he had still grown.

It was this plot line that affected me most because I remember being about nine years old and feeling bad for Cobra Commander. That was likely the first time I sympathized with an antagonist. All of the other antagonists at the time were easy to hate. Skeletor: always evil. Megatron: always evil. Shredder: always evil. Cobra Commander: evil until uber-evil came and beat his ass and then turned him into a monster.

Those other villains showed the world was black and white, good and evil, forever. Cobra Commander, who was painted not only as GI Joe's foe but also the whole world's enemy, showed a world that is many shades of gray, where the hunter can become the hunted, and where the ones you hate can become the ones you sympathize with. For all of GI Joe's lessons about crossing the street and sharing, it was Cobra who taught me about the granularity of the real world where there are bad guys and there are really bad guys, so the "regular" bad guys might actually have more in common with you than you think. You know that jerk at work who's always jerking around with his jerk face and his jerk attitude? When there's a hostile takeover bid from Snake Spore, Inc., that jerk will suddenly become your friend as you work to keep from becoming unemployed or, worse yet, half snake. And hopefully after the Snake Spore Crisis is over, you'll still be friends -- but he'll still have that jerk face.

Whoever says that television and movies don't teach kids anything useful should watch the GI Joe: The Movie to know that it's possible. And it's important to know that because knowing is half the battle.

Also an excellent piano teacher.

What ever happened to Chester Cheetah and the Twix rabbit? They're roommates in rehab.

The "Personal Shopper" title is a bit misleading since you do not get your own well-dressed yuppy to buy things for you. What you get instead is a barcode scanner and some grocery bags so that as you walk through the store, you scan and bag your groceries right in the aisles. I almost feel like I should change my name to Jorge Jetson (that's right, with the Latino spelling). When you're done loading up your cart, you go to one of a few special self-checkout registers, scan an "end of order" barcode, pay, and be on your way. Don't forget to wave to the frazzled folks unloading seven boxes of Doritos fun packs onto the conveyer belt while trying to manage an agile tornado in the form of a small child. "Bobby Jean, git over here!" -- Oh, who am I kidding? This grocery is like a country club with fewer golf holes but more exotic cheeses. -- "Bradly, behave yourself or you shall not be allowed to enjoy Frasier in high definition this evening."

The one negative I see from this barcode scanner program is that it gives me some momentary flashbacks of registering for my wedding. Which color towel do you like, this one or this one? They're both green. Yeah, but this one is lighter and wouldn't contrast as much with the shower curtain. Sounds good to me, let me scan it. But the darker one would make the room feel warmer. Ahhh!!

Okay, I'm better now.

Those flashbacks, however, did make me realize that my wedding registry and my futuristic grocery shopping are related. After all, we have so many place-settings of fine China and Chinese-style plates to serve... well... all of China! Now, thanks to the "Personal Shopper", it's easy to buy enough food to serve one billion people on our two billion plates. Ooh, we need these salad plates! But I thought that's what the salad bowls were for. No, that's for salads in small bits that would be difficult to eat on a plate. These plates are for big-leafed salads. Where's the barcode for a bottle of cyanide tablets?

The flashbacks have become more frequent, but it's a small price to pay to experience the future of errand-running. What's next on the technological horizon? Perhaps a way to clean your clothes without even getting them wet. Impossible!

Crazy's on sale, and guess who's buying?

Today is "Z-Axis Appreciation" Day! Without it, our lives would have no depth.

Are people really so dense that they cannot separate an actress from her character? Or recognize a joke? Or realize that approximately 99% of the posts on this site border on utter lunacy and therefore should not be taken seriously? This post, by the way, brings that percentage down to 98.9%... thanks for ruining my record!

These are the same asinine people who watch Saturday Night Live and wonder how NBC has been able to get all the past US presidents to introduce the show. They're the same people who are trying to get their children admitted to Hogwart's School of Magic. They're the same people who breathe a sigh of relief every morning because the US removed all of those WMDs from Iraq. Think happy thoughts, kids, and you can fly like Peter Pan all the way to Candyland!

Here's the latest gem from -- are you ready for it? -- the one and only Patricia Heaton. Actually, I shouldn't say the one and only, since it isn't actually from Ms. Heaton. For the record, I think she's a good actress and probably a very nice person. I also think she's not a complete idiot, unlike the author of the email below.

patricia heaton wrote:
after reading some of these letters you and other people have put on here, it got me thinking. well, your making fun of people and saying they don't have jobs, right? so what do you do, besides make fun of people? or do you stay at home with your kids all day too? do you really have that much of nothing to do? let me tell ya something if you do than your just a stupid pathetic person who has nothing better to do every day! why don't you get a real job, or spend your time giving to charity or something? atleast then your time would be spent wisely and you would be useful!! anyway, please don't write any more things about me, my character, or my husband and kids! ok?

First, the "from" address on this is an obviously-fake Hotmail address (that I won't bother posting), which is why I can't reply directly. It was sent using my now-disabled contact form where you got to put your own return email address. Call me skeptical, but I doubt Ms. Heaton uses Hotmail. She probably has an address via her agent or perhaps her production company. Hollywood actresses like her can spare the $20 a year to avoid Hotmail.

Whoa! "letters other people have put on here"!? Paddy O'Wife has an occasional post on this site, but that Debra Barone stuff is all mine. Great attention to detail, Hawkeye.

Wait a minute, something just occurred to me... Did you send me this email, Debra? I bet it was you, wasn't it? You are indeed a sneaky television character, but not sneaky enough.

Also, when did you move to North Dakota, Debra? I noticed that that's where your IP address is located. I thought you were a Los Angeles girl, but maybe North Dakota's climate agrees more with the temperature of your frigid soul.

It wounds me to be accused of having "nothing better to do every day". Every day? Once again, great attention to detail, Eagle Eye. I've been woefully neglectful of posting here in the past few months. Thanks, Debra, for getting me back on track! The gears are turning for your next appearance on here.

Oh, I like the follow-up sentence, too. "why don't you get a real job, or spend your time giving to charity or something?" I have a real job, hence the lack of posting. And I am also very much into various charities. For example, I am currently trying to draw mainstream attention to the Shift-Key Neglect Association. Please, oh please, use that Shift key on your keyboard to capitalize proper names and the first letter of sentences. It's the same key you used for those witty question marks and those boisterous exclamation points. Thank you for your support, Debra Barone.

As to your request not to "write any more things about me, my character, or my husband and kids", I bid you to once again actually use that rotting cantaloupe that passes for your brain and realize that I have never mentioned (nor, actually, even known about) Ms. Heaton's husband or her kids. I did have a fictional correspondence with CBS's character, Debra Barone, and I did refer to that CBS's character's husband and kids. But did anyone catch that subtle distinction? You know, the one in bold.

BTW, how many lightbulbs you wasted by breaking them open to see if Tinkerbell was inside?

Okay, that about does it for my reply to this particular loon, and it also serves as my blanket reply to all future nitwits who are offended by my Debra Barone material. No further attention will be given to these "people", not privately and certainly not publicly in a post like this ever again. Any future emails regarding Debra Barone will deleted unread. However, future posts about Debra Barone are forthcoming, so be sure to strap those tinfoil hats on tight.

Once again....

 
The Debra Barone Gallery

9:04pm - I start blogging the Oscars with no intention of continuing until the very end of the show. I'm upfront about it, so be disappointed that I don't cover the Best Motion Picture of the Year category.

9:06pm - Rachel Weisz won an Oscar! She's a cutie, especially in The Mummy and The Mummy Returns. She got into a fight with some other hot mummy chick in one of those, and they were both scantily clad. That's the kind of performance that merits a special Oscar which will be presented in my home office tomorrow during lunchtime. Jennifer Love Hewitt and Kelly Clarkson are also winners, as is Paddy O'Wife. Who is most likely to show up to this special awards ceremony? That's right, none of the above. Bummer.

9:10pm - I was just teased by a quick "The Oscars will be back after these messages" message. Networks should realize that they've had too many commercials playing when they have to give people an intermission and remind them that they're not watching "The Commercial Show". In fact, one could argue that that little message is a commercial break's break within a mini inverse television show. Man, I'm deep. --By the way, I just bought the first season of "The Commercial Show" on DVD. It kicks ass!

9:13pm - Lauren Bacall is having some trouble reading the teleprompter. It's making me uncomfortable.

9:14pm - Laren Bacall is no longer on TV. Comfort Level has returned to "ahh". Crisis averted.

9:17pm - Keira Knightly's commercial lobbying for Best Actress is awesome. Reese Witherspoon's is funny, which makes me think she should win. But I just realized that those weren't real commercials. Great, that commercial break's break screwed up my TV-watching. Did someone just say something about a pimp or was that a commercial for Alize?

9:21pm - Should the Oscars simply be renamed the "George Clooneys"? I think so, so I'll refer to them as such from now on.

9:22pm - March of the Penguins just won a George Clooney. That reminds me about that dinner I had with the Pittsburgh Penguins last Thursday. In fact, I think I'm going to watch the rest of the George Clooneys while wearing my autographed jersey. I'm probably going to get it framed, so I might as well enjoy wearing it before it's under glass. By the way, some lady is singing some song and it's not particularly interesting which is why I'm going off on this jersey tangent. What are the chances that Rob Zombie will make a guest appearance during this song? Oh, not very good, since the song just ended. Time for more commercials!

9:42pm - The phone's ringing. I don't know who it is, but I'm busy watching the George Clooneys and live blogging so I'll let it ring. Oh, there's the answering machine. Nope, no message. I hope it wasn't Rachel Weisz calling to get directions for tomorrow's special George Clooney award ceremony.

9:59pm - There really hasn't been a lot going on with the George Clooneys. A few montages, a few commercials, a few montages about commercials.

10:02pm - Whoa, the Invisible Woman and the Hulk are presenting a George Clooney! You know what both of them have in common in terms of movie magic? They can both disappear! The Invisible Woman can disappear because, well, that's her superpower. The Hulk can disappear because he's green and can utilize green-screen technology. These are the kinds of connections that I see in the world every day. They are also the issues that keep me up at night. But now this one is solved, so tonight I'll sleep the sound sleep of accomplishment.

10:07pm - I'm going to go get a soda.

10:09pm - I'm back from getting a soda. Did you miss me?

10:14pm - Crap, I bet it was Rachel Weisz calling. Who else could it possibly have been? Damn you, George Clooneys! Well, I want to be available to pick up the phone when Jennifer Love Hewitt calls, so I'm done for the evening. Good night, and good luck! --See what I did there? I ended my post with the name of a movie being nominated for a George Clooney tonight. Except that by explaining this, I didn't end it with that name. However, I do have one more shot at it...

¡Buenas noches, y buena suerte!

Today is "Rob a Celebrity's House" Day! They're not home, they're at the George Clooneys!

Numero uno: I've completed my first weekend at home in a month! Three Sat-Suns in Miami, one in Indy, and finally one back at home. The downside: Paddy O'Wife had forgotten what it was like to see another human being first thing on a Saturday morning. She woke up, was startled, screamed, hit me over the head with her table lamp, wrapped me up in a comforter, and called the cops. I made bail by lunchtime, though, so no (great) harm, no (great) foul.

Due (/doo-eh/): The Pittsburgh Steelers are going to the Super Bowl!! The city is alive with excitement, and they have me to thank for it. Y'see, the Steelers were on a tear all last season and ended up losing just before going to the Super Bowl. This season, the team was relatively the same as last seaon's, so you'd think there'd be similar results. But there is one notable difference: I moved to Pittsburgh last October.

Is it a coincidence that the same season that I moved to Pittsburgh the Steelers finally make it to the Super Bowl? Some naysayers would say "yay" (rather than "nay," which I guess would make them yaysayers). But to them I say, "Nay! A thousand nays, and a pox on both your houses!" The fact is, I'm the Steelers' lucky charm, and that's probably because I'm the only non-Irish person in the whole city. The city's saturated with the luck o' the Irish, so it doesn't work anymore, but I brought la suerte de los Cubanos. You're welcome, Pittsburgh! And GO STEELERS!!

"eerht" backwards: I just came back from getting a root canal. Most people -- probably those pesky yaysayers again -- would say that a root canal is nothing to celebrate, but I think it is. Growing up, all I ever heard about root canals was as an alternative to something terrible. You know, "I'd rather have a root canal than watch an episode of The OC." Well, I'm here to tell you that it's really not that bad at all. And I'm celebrating because I now know that root canals should be considered an alternative to many more things, not just horribly contrived and melodramatic television shows and their ilk. For example, "I'd rather have a root canal than...

• watch a commercial for The OC."
• eat a sandwich with the crust still on."
• shovel snow."
• drink anything with gin in it."
• do the Chicken Dance."
• floss." Bring on another one!
• do laundry."
• create a list with an odd number of items."

So join me and celebrate good times. Come on!

One more stop for the Bus!

Today is "Noble Gases" Day! Contrary to popular belief, that doesn't mean a king's flatulence.

--Oh, where did that come from!? I have no idea; that surprised even me!

Maybe everyone has a threshold for the number of times you can sign your name. Something large, like 1,303,958. Celebrities, especially those with multiple homes, can go through that pretty quickly. Think of the number of documents required to close on a regular home -- you can even shave off the mortgage documents since celebrities are all supposedly rich and can pay off their homes cash-money-bling-bling.

When you have a home in Los Angeles, upstate NY, Arizona, and Miami, that's a ton of signatures. Now tack on the autographs given at every event from the Oscars to a weekend barbecue and those signatures can go pretty quickly. Dave Chapelle might even have used his allotted signatures quicker by also signing for Samuel L. Jackson (Mmm mmm, bitch!), Rick James (I'm Rick James, bitch!), and Li'l Jon (Yeeaah! Uh... bitch!).

Come to think of it, was Dave Chapelle really that funny or did he just use the word "bitch" a lot. I just used it four times -- give me a show on Comedy Central!

Dave Chapelle's management should have told the public that Comedy Central simply, and unexplicably, didn't want to renew "Chapelle Show." I would have believed it. Look at "I'm With Busey." That show was brilliant but there's no second season. Although, to be fair, that could be because Gary Busey has long since lost his mind and the cost of insuring a documentary camera crew against bodily harm with odd and unexpected objects makes the second season cost-prohibitive.

Well, looking up I see that I pretty much ran away with that tangent. The least I could do is close the loop, so here it is: I'm scheduled to close on my house next week! I'm telling you this because I'll either use that as an excuse for sporadic blogging in the next two weeks or as an excuse for using the "buying a house" theme a lot in the next two weeks. "C. None of the above" is also an option, but "D. El gato, los pantalones" is not.

An illustration of option D.

Today is "September 12th" Day, which has the same ring to it as "December 8th."

So what's the link between "24" and The Lord of the Rings? Only that Samwise Gamgee will be part of the fifth season of America's favorite two-digit show. Well, not Samwise Gamgee, per se, but the actor who played him in the movies, Sean Astin.

A digression: Yes, "Sam" was short for "Samwise." Why is that weird? In Hobbit-speak, I believe "Samuel" means "he who smells like a beast of burden." Quite undesirable. "Samwise," on the other hand, means "he who is a beast of burden." That's very appropriate. Frodo gets all the credit for saving the world but it was poor Sam who had to carry all the supplies including, but not limited to, combs for use on their hairy feet. Frodo gets a free pass to Elf-Heaven, and Sam is stuck changing mini-diapers. There is no justice on Middle Earth.

Anyway, RudySam will be on "24." I think that's rather interesting. I wonder what part he'll play. Good guy? Bad guy? Loud guy? Quiet guy? --Oh, wait, that last role's taken by Tony "The Whisperer" Almeida.

I've got it: Sam can be Jack Bauer's assistant! You know, for a change of pace. And should our hero, Jack, perish, he will probably also go to Elf-Heaven while Sam is left to clean up baby-spittle. There is no justice in CTU, either.

On the other hand, what if Sam totally snaps in the first two episodes and becomes the crazy vigilante? How cool would that be? He could be walking around, all of 3' 2", with his funny little cloak. Some guy would come up to him and be all, "Hey, little boy, gimme that shiny pin around your Superman cape" and Sam would be all, "No, sir. This is a gift from the Lady of the Woods." The bad guy would then be like, "Pfft! Whatever, kid. Gimme that!" and reach for it, at which point Sam would flip his cape up in a flourish, exposing a sawed-off shotgun in each hand. "Come again, sir?" Sam would say, and then blow a hole in the dude's stomach. Then Sam would get a call from CTU and it'd be Tony Almeida yelling at Sam for his tough tactics, but Sam wouldn't be able to hear Tony's whisper-shouting over the sound of the dude dying so he'd say "Speak up, Mr. Tony." Tony would then get mad and whisper really loudly, saying "Can you hear me now!?!?!" and Sam would say "No," and hang up even though he must have heard him to answer the question. Tony, not a great detective, wouldn't figure this out but Jack would, and that's why Jack's the star of this show. That, and because he starred in The Lost Boys.

Who doesn't enjoy an oversized
pipe after a vigilante killing spree?

Today is "Manic Monday" Day! Yup, just another Manic Monday.

I love "Night Court"! Everytime this weekend when I was just starting to feel bored, I could flip on the TV and watch an hour or so of my favorite late night judicial hijinks. What's better than that, I ask you? Three whole days! Better than that? Four whole days.

I trust you see a pattern developing.

I think everyone must have some old show from their past that reminds them of happier, simpler times. For me, that's "Night Court". I know at least one of my readers is fond of "Perfect Strangers". Does anyone out there miss "The Facts of Life"? Probably.

By the way, I'm concentrating more on the live-action shows than the cartoons. It's pretty obvious that awesome animated shows like "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles", "He-Man", and "The Transformers" bring back fond memories (I'd list girl-shows, but I don't remember any). But beyond amphibian ninjitsu, tiger-riding, and life-threatening robotic contortionism, those shows didn't really teach you anything useful in everyday life.

"Night Court", on the other hand, taught me about the law. I'm not sure if they use this material in law schools, but they should. The world needs more amateur-magician judges who are likely to dismiss misdemeanor charges if your argument rhymes. Even if the defendant is guilty, wouldn't it be better to deliver the verdict with some sleight-of-hand flourish? That helps put the convicts at ease, and that's really what we need to be concerned with as a society.

Since I mentioned it earlier, I wanted to point out that "Perfect Strangers" taught its viewers about foreign relations. Poor Balki Bartokomous came to America to live with his cousin, Larry Appleton. Balki learns how to function in American society and Cousin Larry learns how to be tolerant of those who are different plus how to appreciate what he used to take for granted. You might be thinking this is too much of a stretch, but the aforementioned reader that I linked with this show is now working for the State Department. Coincidence? Don't-be-ridicoolus!

I never really got into "The Facts of Life", but I bet you it taught folks about -- do I really have to spell it out?

All of these lessons were byproducts of entertaining situation comedies from simpler times. This past weekend, I wasn't watching "Night Court" to learn about the letter of the law -- although now I want to enroll in magician/law school plus buy the first season -- I was watching it because I remember it being a funny show. And since I hadn't seen in such a long time, it was like watching those episodes for the first time. For those of us who still refuse to fully grow up, weekend marathons like this somehow seem to prolong our fleeting youth.

What two day "old show" marathon would make your weekend?

UPDATE: Apparently that wasn't obvious enough. I'll try this: I'm fishing for comments about your favorite old show. Wakka wakka!

I don't wanna grow up, I'm a Toys 'R Us kid!

Today is "Woodstock" Day! The good Woodstock, not the MTV-branded one. Happy 36th!

Actually, it's just the preseason, but football's football. The preseason isn't as exciting, though, because the first-string players are on the field for like 20 minutes since the games don't actually count. It's a shame, but it's understandable since you don't want your stars to lose three toes for nothing.

Wouldn't it be interesting if the preseason mentality penetrated other areas of life, like dinner. Imagine ordering a steak and the first bite is filet mignon. Then it's followed by some sirloin and the rest of the meal is Boston Market steak. That's not really fair because I've never had Boston Market's steak, but it's Boston Market. Ambition's one thing, but that seems akin to Debra Barone vying for sainthood, and we all know that's not happening. Boston Market steak = St. Debr -- I can't even type it.

Oh, and hockey's coming back, too! I'm not really sure why I'm telling you this. There are two dozen people in this country who knew that there was no NHL (hockey) last year, and there's a very slim chance that you're one of them and a loyal reader. The point is that it's back this year so I'll get my fill of television violence now that Everybody Loves Raymond is off the air.

See how I did that? I created a common reference in both paragraphs, but it wasn't blatant. You have to work for it, but once you do, you can see how clever it is. That's the result of my extensive blogging skills, as are these last two ego-stroking sentence. And all while watching preseasons football!

Actually, I have a confession: all that ego-stroking is the result of my divided attention. That's a cheap way out for bloggers who are too busy watching preseason football or Googling the word "failure" and reading the first result. I'm doing the former right now.

You're about to go to Google, aren't you?

Today is "Interns and Co-Ops" Day! Hooray for fancy-named for temps!

California Raisin or Hideously Deformed Smurf?
You decide (again).

Today is "NASA" Day! This time it has nothing to do with squirrel assassins.
No, really. NASA was authorized by Congress today in 1958. Huzzah!